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So I wanted to write a finishing blog within the first few days I’ve been home, but as you can tell I did a real good job on that.  

I’ve been home a month now. It’s wonderful to be back.  Thailand was great, but home is home. 

No great big reverse culture shock, just the occasional oh yeah I’m in America now we do things this way.  We’re all people whether we do things one way or another.  All I’m supposed to do is love them.  I’m tired of writing things, so if you want more stories or what not; lets talk face to face.

I See a Light

Today I finished my classes.  Whoa. I survived.
Now I have a week and a day until I hop on a plane to America.
It's so weird that its December and its not cold, but its pretty nice.  I've grown to like the warmness, something I didn't think would happen.  We all know how I tend to complain about the heat. ha.  I am looking forward to winter though, I'm ready to have to wear a coat instead of having to wear shorts.  Anyways.

These past few months I've been learning lots on community development and I've learned some things. (I'll keep it short, if you want the long version, me you and chia is always an option)
1) Its a challenge.  Just because a theory looks real nice on a sheet of paper doesn't mean that it will actually work.   
How do you convince a family to start growing their own vegetables, because its more sustainable when they have always gone to the forest to find food?  Why take the time and money to grow food when the forest does it for them?  Personally I have no affective idea/way to tackle this question, which is a good thing since I'm not a development worker.
There are ways to develop a communities, it just takes patience and humble work.  It actually is good to not rush into things and pause and ask questions. 

2) I'm not called to development work overseas.  I would just make things worse for these people.  I'm not saying that westerners can't come over and help develop communities.  I believe that God has called people to do so and amazing things have happened.  But for me, working in my home country is ideal.  I know the issues and whats going on, so I should use my knowledge to help better my community.

Slacker

I haven't wrote one of these in awhile.  Whoops.

Time has for real been flying by fast, yesterday I was stepping off the plane thinking to myself what have I gotten myself into now?  Now I have less than 2 weeks in this country.  Its actually hard for my brain to grasp that its basically December and living in the tropics doesn't help my case at all.

When I think about the last four years of my life they have really flown by; I can't believe my college career is coming to an end.  I remember strolling around LTC (my community college back home) claiming I have four more years of school and I'm going to die.  My prediction might have slightly been off, but I still have another semester.


So I got distracted with looking at past photos and made you a special little treat.

p.s. you can see it better by clicking on it.

Shooting Stars and Contagious Smiles

This past weekend I went camping.  The first time camping since a friend died from a camping accident.  At first I was a little cautious about going, because I had no idea how my brain would handle it; but I knew I had to go instead of run away.

On this trip I received an ample amount of peace; something I wasn't expecting.  As I sat in the middle of the campground, soaking in nature in all its beauty, I saw that the last hours Janelle had in this life was a peaceful, beautiful moment.  She wasn't surrounded with fear or suffering, but with the wonders of nature and expecting to wake up the next morning to embrace our creators beautiful creation.  As I thought about it, I was kinda jealous of her.  She was loving life and living to the fullest and went to see Jesus without a care in the world. 

I was so blessed to know this girl for the little time I did.  She was the most loving and inviting person I've ever known.  We met during a friends reunion of friends for the summer and decided to do some star gazing.  I didn't even know her, yet she opened up her life and allowed me to join her that evening, where we then talked and giggled for hours.  After that night of ridiculousness, we decided we should most definitely be friends and do more things that summer.  We were only able to do a few things that together before she went to go see Jesus at the end of the summer.  I do wish I had more time to spend with her, but I am also extremely grateful for the few months I knew her.
I pray that I could have an ounce of this girls love and care.

Love of My Life, Good Luck Charms and Toilets

We all know I would basically die without my iPod, which may or may not be a good thing.

So the other night I plugged my it in to put some new songs on my iPod and the little sucker freezes on the connected screen and iTunes doesn't recognize it.  I wasn't too worried, because I thought I could just reset it and all would be right with the world, but nothing happened.  What I did to try to revive my love was pointless; it took me forever and nothing was working.  So I was coming to accept the fact that it had died and I'm just gonna have to listen to nature as I go to bed.  Plus it was really late and tired of trying to figure it out.  I tried one more time to reset it, thinking nothing would happen.  Then Jesus came in and saved my iPod!  I wanted to scream and run around like an idiot, but it was really late and figured everybody sleeping wouldn't appreciate it.  So I settled for getting my feelings "out" through twitter.

I would love to say I was calm during the whole process and thought the world would be good if my iPod did die.  If any of you saw my tweets know that.  During that whole playing "Dr." with my iPod, me and Jesus did some talking.  I hate admitting that I was all dear Jesus please fix the love of my life I know its just a machine but I love it.  But it happened. 
Side note: The one thing I really remember from Sunday school as a child was when my teacher asked when was the most times you talked to God and one of the students said "when you're on the toilet." 

Then as I went to bed after my iPod came to life I remembered the sermon I heard when I went to Denver last March.  About how we like to put Jesus in a box and there are four main ways we do it.  One of the ways to keep Jesus in a box is by only using him for when we need him to fix things.  The other night I used Jesus as a good luck charm.  Pulled him right out when my life wasn't what I wanted and pleaded with him to make everything "better."  I do this way to often and don't like that I do, but I'm always catching myself treating him like my "rabbit foot."  As I think about it, I would be pretty annoyed if I was Jesus.  I would be like girl please, don't just call me when something breaks.  Thankfully He's a pretty graceful guy and loves me even when I reach for him when life isn't what I want.  Its actually pretty pathetic I had to talk with Jesus, because of my iPod.  He's done some pretty great powerful things in this life, that deserves recognition and a deeper relationship.

Overall Cambodia

The main things I will take away from practicum.

One of the biggest lessons I learned in Cambodia was that Cambodia doesn't need me at all to help them make a better community.  If anything I feel like I was more of a bother instead of a help to these people.  They would never say that, but as I watched OREDA perform its work I wondered why on earth they even let us come and volunteer.  They were solving world hunger left and right in great strides, but they were making a difference in the local villages they were helping.  They knew the problems and were seeking out solutions. 

That I have my life made.  I'm not the richest person at all in the states, but I have and can do so much more than the people of Cambodia its ridiculous.  I can't tell you how many times talking with my interpreter she would say something along the lines of we would like to go out and do this or have that, but its too expensive.  Everything that she mentioned was something that I have done or do on a normal basis back in the states.

The love these people have.  I could try and write it down, but its one of those things you can't explain the best with out experiencing yourself. 

Lastly it gave me reassurance to work in the inner city after I graduate.  I still have no idea what is truly going down once I graduate.  Seeing that the best outcome usually comes from members of a community, it just makes since that I would take my criminal justice and social work skills to a place in need of the United States.

There is no Beauty in Fear

Memories are some of the most precious and beautiful things. Ever.   Too many times people loose sight of these wonderful blessings and miss out on a great part of life. This little fact is something I've had to learn as I went to college.  Before college I always wanted good memories, but I never wanted them to end.  For fear of that I would either run away from having a good memory at all or trying to make the memory last longer than what it should and not making it any better.  With this fear it was hard for me to always enjoy the moment and embrace everything full heartily.  The back of mind was filled with oh no this is going to end, then what am I going to do.

For those of you that know my freshman year of college, know that going in I had just dealt with numerous deaths of family, neighbors, friends and spiritual influences that would continue basically the whole year and ending with one of my best friends dying of brain cancer that summer.  It wasn't the easiest year and as I look back, the only way I say I survived through that time was through Jesus carrying me the whole way.  Long story short, I learned how important it is to just be present and not worry about whats going to happen once the moment ends.  To make memories with who you are with and cherish them. 

My four weeks in Cambodia reminded me of this wonderful lesson, that I easily can forget.  We can get so caught up in whats going to happen the next month that the current month we don't pay any attention, missing who knows what.  Its about the here and now in life.  Making the best of what you have and appreciating what you have. 

Granted I could get caught up in the fear that the people I spend time with and the opportunities I have will forever be gone.  But I don't find that beneficial at all/I haven't found it beneficial at all.  In the end, all it does is make you depressed and fear that your good times will be gone and there's nothing to do in life.  Which is far from the truth.  Your life might be different down the road, but at least you can look back at how incredible they were instead of being in fear of what changes might happen next.  And moving on in life doesn't mean your not going to make great memories, its usually the opposite. 

Cambodia was wonderful and I wouldn't mind visiting again one day, but until then I have the wonderful memories of fully embracing a new and beautiful culture.

To My Dear Cambodia

I love you and will miss you as I go back to Thailand.  You opened up your life and country to some random foreigner that didn’t deserve it and only offered me love and care.  Your faces will forever be ingrained in my brain/heart and I’m grateful for that.  Thanks for sharing your culture and little children with me. 

If I could tell you all a few things they would be:

- I don’t get your rice obsession, but I’m so thankful that you fed me

- You are all beautiful; all of your smiles melted my heart

- If I could have your dark complexion I would

- I adore your way of life, thank you for teaching me you don’t need all the necessities I thought I needed

- I love that hammocks are everywhere, please mail me 10 for when I’m back in the states

- I loved your nap after lunch rule, I’m going to have to get used to not napping once I go back (I'm not ok with  this change)

- Your music videos made me giggle

- You actually do have turkey’s….not French chickens; let me teach you the wonders of a turkey panini

Not Everybody Can Say Cheese

Growing up I’ve always had a camera and never thought of having pictures as a privilege.  Yet in all reality, it’s a pretty big privilege.  Not only that I have a camera, but that I also have the time to go around and take pictures. 

There’s times when I’m taking pictures of random people, I feel like the biggest creep ever.  But always at the end of the day I’m glad I pulled up my pants and got over myself and took pictures.  From my wonderful translation of the Khmer language and people’s body language, I can tell that they are grateful and happy with the pictures I took pictures of them, but mostly their children’s pictures.  There have been numerous times a parent (I’m assuming) has brought a child up to me for me to take a picture.  Or my favorite is when the adults rearrange children that are standing around when they see my camera.

One day taking pictures for OREADA, a mother came up to me shaking my hand proclaiming what I’m assuming words of thanks for taking pictures of her/the children.  Her gratitude stands out to me, because honestly before that hand shake and smile I didn’t see all of the greatness of what I was doing.  And to some degrees I won’t ever fully know.  I know photography is important and can be used for Gods glory, no doubt.  So don’t come and beat me up on that point.  I just never really thought that the individuals would appreciate the act of simply taking a picture, a task most Americans do on a weekly basis.  How touching a simple point and click of a camera can be to somebody in a developing country.  It amazes me how such a tiny little action of my finger can make someone’s day.

The Pants

My interpreter has a pair of pants that looks exactly like “The Pants” from Mission Denver.  (for those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about long story short during our homeless simulation, Carlisle had a pair of these pants that she hated)

Every single time I see her wear them I can’t help but smile.  It reminds me of that life changing week and how much hope and strength the people of the streets have to continue on with life.  The same goes for these amazing people in Cambodia.  Who don’t have that much and are surviving just fine.  They aren’t complaining or moping because they don’t have all the latest gadgets.  They embrace each new day and make the best of it.  

This amazes me and probably always will.  I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to living a certain way, in Denver all I wanted to do was find an alley and go curl up and die.  I've done really good here and excepting their way of life.  Granted I did a lot of mental prep work before coming; plus I knew I was only going to be here for a certain amount of time.  These people aren't here just for a visit, this is their life.  And to be so happy and grateful about life astounishes me.

Practicum Things.

This is kind of late, considering this is my last day of practicum, but better late than never right?

So the past three weeks of my practicum I was in charge of taking pictures of the events that OREDA goes to.  Nothing too challenging, plus it give me an excuse to take pictures of the children I meet at these events.  I would then use this as a way “to get to know” the children as best as I could since we both never really knew what the other one was saying

The kids here don’t always know what to do with me, so they just stare and can’t decide on whether to run away or tickle me.  I personally take this as a challenge to try and make every child smile, because some of them have some crazy stink eye.  Once they come around, I’m usually swarmed by tons of them and embraced by one of my favorite things in the world: smiling, giggling hooligans. 

  

Story Time

So much has happened, I don’t know where to start.  Plus I like telling stories in person, I can dramatize it more that way ;). 

Anyways here’s a few random ones.

Rice.  I’m tired of it.  I can still eat it, but not two bowlfuls as the people of Cambodia think I can.  I’m sorry but my body is already full of rice.

Internet.  I’ve had little and its actually been nice not being constantly connected to the world.  I can focus my time more on making friends with random children.

Jellyfish.  I got bit by one…then my director had to pee on my foot after I passed out on the way to the hospital on a tuk tuk.  OK not really.  I wish I had an elaborate story like that though.  For Real:  I was swimming in a beach and felt something bite me, but didn’t do anything.  Then later that day when I took a shower at home I realized my toe was bright red and swollen.  The most observant award goes to me.  So I told my interpreter and she gave me some medicine that took down the swelling and redness.

Lobster.  A two hour motor bike ride with a tank top doesn’t treat me well.  

Children.  I’ve made at least 5 bff’s with the little kids around here.  Through making these friendships, I’ve realized that working with youth is what I really want to do with life.  It randomly just hit me one day after we spent all day at a school and I made bffs with a specific girl.  We were driving home and I said to myself if I had to spend all day with kids I would be happy.
There has actually been a few times random children will come into our guest house and we become bffs.  There's one boy that lives nearby and will come around on his bike and snap his finger with so much attitude.  Its hilarious and adorable.

But...

Usually when Jesus has to knock sense into me, He slaps me upside the head, but two Sundays ago was different.  The best way to explain it was that Jesus was basically like BAM! Look at that.  All in my face.  To say that I was following Jesus whole heartedly during my first month in a half of being overseas would be a lie.  I struggled, I wondered, and I just didn’t know.  So long story short, I basically just ran.  I wasn’t exactly for sure what I got myself into and I didn’t want Jesus to tell me to do something huge and not want to do it.  So I ran.  Thinking my problems would somehow work out and all my answers would just magically be solved after my overseas experience.  Ha.  My brain.  I started running myself thin, wanting to completely fall into my saviors arms, yet at the same time I just got in a habit of trying to figure it all before I collapse. 

And what do you know I wasn’t able to figure it out and fix life before Jesus got all in my face.  In church we had a guest Australian speaker.   He asked the famous question of what would you do if you were to see God face to face.  I’m not gonna lie I would pee my pants.  Then he talked about our biases and stuff we have about God from the world and that we need to strip all of those ideas.  That we need to just stop and look into our saviors eyes.  Oh Jesus.  So basically during that service Jesus just got in front of me and didn’t allow me to run.  But to see all He has done for me.  Bam.  Look at me tricia, that’s all I ask, to look into my eyes and see my love and mercy.  I couldn’t fight looking into His eyes even if I tried.  Jesus is only patient for so long. 

I hold on to excuses way too much.  And Jesus is tired of it.  

Maybe its just because me and Jesus' relationship has a ton of humor and His cleverness, but when I picture it in my brain, I see myself telling Jesus some excuse as in I can't, don't or won't be able to do something; that He responds with a simple "too bad."

Questions and Hammocks

Ever since I have arrived in Cambodia I’ve been asked numerous times if I was a Christian and if my family members were also.  Then I would always be greeted with an excited reaction by the person asking me.  I’ve not really ever been asked that question growing up, I’ve always been involved in organizations and such that was Christian, so it was just assumed.  The first time I was asked, I was taken back a little.  Shocked is probably a better word to describe my reaction.  After a split second of shock I would respond with a yes; leaving questions to swarm my head.  Like do I really, truly know what it means to follow Christ?  I’ve never had to live out my faith in a non-faith based world. Do I have the excitement of others that are Christians?  These people’s faces light up when they find out I’m a Christian.

I think in America, we just use the term as a security blanket.  To have something else stamped in our “who we are” section of our life.  We miss the point so much.  I miss the point so much.  Jesus did more than just go to church and donate some of His time to help those that were struggling.  I’ve started reading John and find it amazing that the disciples still followed Jesus after some of the crazy things He said.  I mean come on if some random guy would say today eat my flesh and drink my blood and you’ll have eternal life, we would think He was crazy.  These guys had no idea that Jesus would take upon all of our sins on the cross and raise from the dead.  They didn’t have the moving music, drama or skits in our churches today to “move us.”  They saw His miracles and followed.  Maybe I’m just lazy, but this astonishes me. 

Let’s be honest how many of us would drop all of our things to follow a man we just saw doing something miraculous?  I know if I saw it today I would most likely be like well that was cool, probably rigged and go on with my life. 

All I can say is that I’m glad I know the full story.  That my Jesus has saved us all from sin and that He’s coming back for us one day.  This knowledge doesn’t make life any easier or give me huge clear answers about life, but it does give me hope.

Noms

Coming to Thailand and Cambodia I thought that I was going to have some of the best fruit, but that wasn’t the case.  The fruit isn’t bad here, but there is little flavor or it’s a more bitter flavor instead of sweet.  I’ve actually had several kinds of their different fruit, but a lot of them don’t have English names and have forgotten their original name.  I have eaten a few rambuton.  When I first saw them I wondered what on earth are these things and how do you eat them.  But last week my translator introduced them to me and was actually pleased with its taste.

They don’t like their sweets here, which is a sad life if you ask me.  But, they put sugar on everything else here.  For instance the smoothies in Thailand have so much corn syrup it’s ridiculous and today I was given two different kinds of potatoes each of them covered in sugar.

I feel like I’m the child of a rabbit and a bird.  I basically eat rice and vegetables for every meal, even there dessert has rice.  It’s not awful meals or anything, but a Panini would be rather great right now.  Thankfully I’m able to have bread for breakfast here in Cambodia instead of a rice dish. 

Lastly I think I like cucumbers.  The jury is still out on it, but I eat them when given.

Cambodian Life

So I've been in Cambodia for five days now.  The life style is a little "rougher" here, but the people and the lifestyle here is beautiful that the "lacking" doesn't bother me. I actually enjoy not having all the fancy gadgets and such. Granted I would love fast daily access to the internet, but it’s been a nice change to not have it for a few days.  Its more laid back here than in Thailand, I don't have to worry about showing the bottom of my feet to people (which is seen as disrespecting someone).  This is a great relief, because you would be surprised how many times you actually do that.  Also in Cambodia it’s a part of life to take a nap after lunch; so I fit right in.  I think America needs to incorporate this way of life

The people here are adorable.  And the friendliest.  I can't tell you home many times a day I am offered food.  Cambodian's love to snack.  A common thing to do is to dip your fruit in a salt and chili pepper mix.  Which I haven't decided if I like it or not.

This week was a holiday, so I wasn't able to work in the office, but next Monday I will be able to start volunteering.  So this past week I've done some exploring and had a little down time.  I've also been given a translator that way I don't get lost and sell my soul or something of the matters.  Her name is Ra (I’m sure it’s spelled different) she's also from Cambodia and is the sweetest.  

More stories to come!

pre-practicum

I'm leaving for Cambodia for my 4 weeks of practicum this evening and will arrive sometime in the evening on Sunday.  A few things are flooding my brain right now. 

1) I'm slightly nervous what Jesus has planned for me these next four weeks of practicum. Jesus is a pretty powerful guy.  And all of his awesomeness can be overwhelming.

2) I'm excited that I get to go to another country and that I get to help an NGO.  The practicum was the thing I was most looking forward to.

3) I really need to get over myself, I'm not as great as I think I am.  the only difference I can make is by letting Jesus work through me to change others lives.  I can't do it. 

4) All I can do is put my foot forward and embrace this journey Jesus has in store for me.  I don't know what my purpose is.  To be completely honest, I feel slightly lost and wonder why I'm really here.  I know the cliche answer that Jesus has me here for a reason even if its not apparent.  But I'm still not happy with that answer. Jesus never gave me a to do list for a reason. 

This weekend marks me being away a month for Thailand.  Umm where did August go?

When people would ask me what my expectations for coming to Thailand was, I would say that I really didn't have any expectations.  I'm going because I have extra time and don't want to grow up.  All of that was completely true, but now that I've been here for a month I've realized some things.

1)That I wasn't being completely honest with myself with the whole expectations bit.  Subconsciously I was expecting to make an impact on the country of Thailand.  In the words of my summer boss, that I would be saving the starving children and making people happy.  And I'm at a study abroad program, to learn and stuff.  So the first few days of class, I felt that me being here and going to class was kinda pointless.  That me setting in this classroom, trying to make bffs with my professors was doing absolutely nothing for the betterment of Thailand.  However, this thought isn't necessarily true (ok it really isn't, but I don't want to admit the benefit of school).  My pride gets in the way of so many things.  I really need to get over myself.  I'm broken.  And the only good that can come from me is through Jesus' awesome power.

2)That school actually is supposed to benefit me and will help me greatly as me and Jesus face the world.  Even though I still struggle with this thought, mostly cause I'm ready to be done with school. forever.  I know it wouldn't be good for me to go out in the work field with no education.  I need to discover what I can offer and then offer it to places instead of just showing up saying use me I have no idea what good I am.  This process could turn out ok, but its much easier if I already have a skill and knowledge to offer someone.

3)And how wonderful life is when your not trying to control it.  This past year I've done a lot of things out of the blue with no or little expectations mission denver and the wycliffe internship for instance.  I wasn't a fan for the longest time, but I've come to realize how freeing it is to put my whole life in Jesus' hands.  To realize how powerless I am and that I really can't do anything worth while on my own, but if I let the Holy Spirit work through me some amazing things can happen.

That's What Really Happened?

Tonight we watched slum dog millionaire.  Now this is a movie I've seen a few times before, but I never realized how depressing it is.  When the movie started all I could remember from the movie was the whole toilet scene at the beginning, there was songs from M.I.A. the guy was on who wants to be on a millionaire and his continual search for this chick (I remembered the end but I don't want to ruin it, if for some reason somebody hasn't seen it).

As I watched this movie a whole new world of things were shown to me.  I saw the awful tragedies and injustices that are going on in India.  These awful injustices that are basically the same in Thailand.  My heart sank.  Which it really hasn't since I've been here, I've kinda been blocking things off and being numb to what was going on around me.  So that was probably a good thing that happened.

After if was finished, I was amazed at how much I actually forgot/didn't fully see before.  I remembered it wasn't the best conditions, but that's all.  Which got me to thinking, so many times we glorify the goodness that came out of the bad and not look at the brokenness to see how we can fix or prevent further injustices.  I'm not saying its bad that we celebrate the one person getting our of slavery.  Cause I think its wonderful that a life was saved.  We just like to look at the end product to get the warm fuzzy feelings inside.  To be like oh man those were awful inhumane circumstances, but now he's out.  Yay lets be happy for him.  Then move on with life.
I'm not ok with this.

I'm not saying we all need to rush over to Thailand and rescue all the women, children and men that are trapped in slavery.  Cause that would be pretty pointless.  It wouldn't stop the traffickers to fine more vulnerable people.  I don't know the answer to stop these awful things and I wish I did.  Sadly these things will never come to an end until Jesus come, but that doesn't mean to not do something.

I do know that we are called to help those that are in need.  I'm not entirely for sure what that calling is, but I know Jesus will reveal it to me or plop it right in my lap as something happens.  All I know is as I walk the streets of Thailand I'm called to act justly love, love mercy and to walk humbly with my Jesus.

(and now I will step off my soap box)

Tiny Piece of My Heart

For one of my classes we visited  Urban Light, which is a npo that works with boys that sell their bodies for money.  They have a center where the boys can go instead of having to roam the streets.  They are offered counseling, a place to stay, and any other help they might need in a friendly supportive environment where they can just be kids instead of having to please foreigners needs.

As I walked through the doors and talked with them about their organization, my heart completely melted and I fell in love with the work they are doing.  They were doing everything that is apart of my dream job. They have a place where teens struggling with life can come and receive the assistance and love they need.  It was just beautiful.  Too many times teens are just thrown away to the waste side, because they are seen as helpless causes.  Which is nowhere near the truth and I won't go into all of that cause I could write for days.  If you really want more info on that I'll send you my senior project.
I can't help but get excited for what Jesus has planned for me in the future.

That is all.