There is no Beauty in Fear

Memories are some of the most precious and beautiful things. Ever.   Too many times people loose sight of these wonderful blessings and miss out on a great part of life. This little fact is something I've had to learn as I went to college.  Before college I always wanted good memories, but I never wanted them to end.  For fear of that I would either run away from having a good memory at all or trying to make the memory last longer than what it should and not making it any better.  With this fear it was hard for me to always enjoy the moment and embrace everything full heartily.  The back of mind was filled with oh no this is going to end, then what am I going to do.

For those of you that know my freshman year of college, know that going in I had just dealt with numerous deaths of family, neighbors, friends and spiritual influences that would continue basically the whole year and ending with one of my best friends dying of brain cancer that summer.  It wasn't the easiest year and as I look back, the only way I say I survived through that time was through Jesus carrying me the whole way.  Long story short, I learned how important it is to just be present and not worry about whats going to happen once the moment ends.  To make memories with who you are with and cherish them. 

My four weeks in Cambodia reminded me of this wonderful lesson, that I easily can forget.  We can get so caught up in whats going to happen the next month that the current month we don't pay any attention, missing who knows what.  Its about the here and now in life.  Making the best of what you have and appreciating what you have. 

Granted I could get caught up in the fear that the people I spend time with and the opportunities I have will forever be gone.  But I don't find that beneficial at all/I haven't found it beneficial at all.  In the end, all it does is make you depressed and fear that your good times will be gone and there's nothing to do in life.  Which is far from the truth.  Your life might be different down the road, but at least you can look back at how incredible they were instead of being in fear of what changes might happen next.  And moving on in life doesn't mean your not going to make great memories, its usually the opposite. 

Cambodia was wonderful and I wouldn't mind visiting again one day, but until then I have the wonderful memories of fully embracing a new and beautiful culture.

To My Dear Cambodia

I love you and will miss you as I go back to Thailand.  You opened up your life and country to some random foreigner that didn’t deserve it and only offered me love and care.  Your faces will forever be ingrained in my brain/heart and I’m grateful for that.  Thanks for sharing your culture and little children with me. 

If I could tell you all a few things they would be:

- I don’t get your rice obsession, but I’m so thankful that you fed me

- You are all beautiful; all of your smiles melted my heart

- If I could have your dark complexion I would

- I adore your way of life, thank you for teaching me you don’t need all the necessities I thought I needed

- I love that hammocks are everywhere, please mail me 10 for when I’m back in the states

- I loved your nap after lunch rule, I’m going to have to get used to not napping once I go back (I'm not ok with  this change)

- Your music videos made me giggle

- You actually do have turkey’s….not French chickens; let me teach you the wonders of a turkey panini

Not Everybody Can Say Cheese

Growing up I’ve always had a camera and never thought of having pictures as a privilege.  Yet in all reality, it’s a pretty big privilege.  Not only that I have a camera, but that I also have the time to go around and take pictures. 

There’s times when I’m taking pictures of random people, I feel like the biggest creep ever.  But always at the end of the day I’m glad I pulled up my pants and got over myself and took pictures.  From my wonderful translation of the Khmer language and people’s body language, I can tell that they are grateful and happy with the pictures I took pictures of them, but mostly their children’s pictures.  There have been numerous times a parent (I’m assuming) has brought a child up to me for me to take a picture.  Or my favorite is when the adults rearrange children that are standing around when they see my camera.

One day taking pictures for OREADA, a mother came up to me shaking my hand proclaiming what I’m assuming words of thanks for taking pictures of her/the children.  Her gratitude stands out to me, because honestly before that hand shake and smile I didn’t see all of the greatness of what I was doing.  And to some degrees I won’t ever fully know.  I know photography is important and can be used for Gods glory, no doubt.  So don’t come and beat me up on that point.  I just never really thought that the individuals would appreciate the act of simply taking a picture, a task most Americans do on a weekly basis.  How touching a simple point and click of a camera can be to somebody in a developing country.  It amazes me how such a tiny little action of my finger can make someone’s day.

The Pants

My interpreter has a pair of pants that looks exactly like “The Pants” from Mission Denver.  (for those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about long story short during our homeless simulation, Carlisle had a pair of these pants that she hated)

Every single time I see her wear them I can’t help but smile.  It reminds me of that life changing week and how much hope and strength the people of the streets have to continue on with life.  The same goes for these amazing people in Cambodia.  Who don’t have that much and are surviving just fine.  They aren’t complaining or moping because they don’t have all the latest gadgets.  They embrace each new day and make the best of it.  

This amazes me and probably always will.  I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to living a certain way, in Denver all I wanted to do was find an alley and go curl up and die.  I've done really good here and excepting their way of life.  Granted I did a lot of mental prep work before coming; plus I knew I was only going to be here for a certain amount of time.  These people aren't here just for a visit, this is their life.  And to be so happy and grateful about life astounishes me.

Practicum Things.

This is kind of late, considering this is my last day of practicum, but better late than never right?

So the past three weeks of my practicum I was in charge of taking pictures of the events that OREDA goes to.  Nothing too challenging, plus it give me an excuse to take pictures of the children I meet at these events.  I would then use this as a way “to get to know” the children as best as I could since we both never really knew what the other one was saying

The kids here don’t always know what to do with me, so they just stare and can’t decide on whether to run away or tickle me.  I personally take this as a challenge to try and make every child smile, because some of them have some crazy stink eye.  Once they come around, I’m usually swarmed by tons of them and embraced by one of my favorite things in the world: smiling, giggling hooligans. 

  

Story Time

So much has happened, I don’t know where to start.  Plus I like telling stories in person, I can dramatize it more that way ;). 

Anyways here’s a few random ones.

Rice.  I’m tired of it.  I can still eat it, but not two bowlfuls as the people of Cambodia think I can.  I’m sorry but my body is already full of rice.

Internet.  I’ve had little and its actually been nice not being constantly connected to the world.  I can focus my time more on making friends with random children.

Jellyfish.  I got bit by one…then my director had to pee on my foot after I passed out on the way to the hospital on a tuk tuk.  OK not really.  I wish I had an elaborate story like that though.  For Real:  I was swimming in a beach and felt something bite me, but didn’t do anything.  Then later that day when I took a shower at home I realized my toe was bright red and swollen.  The most observant award goes to me.  So I told my interpreter and she gave me some medicine that took down the swelling and redness.

Lobster.  A two hour motor bike ride with a tank top doesn’t treat me well.  

Children.  I’ve made at least 5 bff’s with the little kids around here.  Through making these friendships, I’ve realized that working with youth is what I really want to do with life.  It randomly just hit me one day after we spent all day at a school and I made bffs with a specific girl.  We were driving home and I said to myself if I had to spend all day with kids I would be happy.
There has actually been a few times random children will come into our guest house and we become bffs.  There's one boy that lives nearby and will come around on his bike and snap his finger with so much attitude.  Its hilarious and adorable.

But...

Usually when Jesus has to knock sense into me, He slaps me upside the head, but two Sundays ago was different.  The best way to explain it was that Jesus was basically like BAM! Look at that.  All in my face.  To say that I was following Jesus whole heartedly during my first month in a half of being overseas would be a lie.  I struggled, I wondered, and I just didn’t know.  So long story short, I basically just ran.  I wasn’t exactly for sure what I got myself into and I didn’t want Jesus to tell me to do something huge and not want to do it.  So I ran.  Thinking my problems would somehow work out and all my answers would just magically be solved after my overseas experience.  Ha.  My brain.  I started running myself thin, wanting to completely fall into my saviors arms, yet at the same time I just got in a habit of trying to figure it all before I collapse. 

And what do you know I wasn’t able to figure it out and fix life before Jesus got all in my face.  In church we had a guest Australian speaker.   He asked the famous question of what would you do if you were to see God face to face.  I’m not gonna lie I would pee my pants.  Then he talked about our biases and stuff we have about God from the world and that we need to strip all of those ideas.  That we need to just stop and look into our saviors eyes.  Oh Jesus.  So basically during that service Jesus just got in front of me and didn’t allow me to run.  But to see all He has done for me.  Bam.  Look at me tricia, that’s all I ask, to look into my eyes and see my love and mercy.  I couldn’t fight looking into His eyes even if I tried.  Jesus is only patient for so long. 

I hold on to excuses way too much.  And Jesus is tired of it.  

Maybe its just because me and Jesus' relationship has a ton of humor and His cleverness, but when I picture it in my brain, I see myself telling Jesus some excuse as in I can't, don't or won't be able to do something; that He responds with a simple "too bad."